“I worked for some big company that was based in a big mansion (like an English manor, but it was a really corporate place), and I worked there with my high school friend Caitlynne (who I worked with at the bookstore for four years and now she has a baby and lives in Florida in real life). Apparently, we were all unhappy and the rest of our department decided to throw gasoline around and blow up the building!
“So Caitlynne and I escaped in a yellow cab driven by Phillip Seymour Hoffman and I was like, ‘Even though we weren’t involved they’re gonna say we did it too, so we need alibis,’ and so we had PSH drop us off downtown (we were in some weird suburban place, sort of like Austin in that it felt big but had a small-town vibe?) and my plan was to go to a bookstore and buy a book because I’d have a date-stamped receipt for right around the time the place would have been blown up. But instead we went into a Homegoods and we were looking at random household things when we turned a corner and suddenly we were in this sort of jungle-themed playroom? And there was a small Indian boy sitting at a table. And Caitlynne decided she needed to work with him in like a social worker/therapist capacity.
“So I was like, ‘Oh, I’ll go look around,’ but THEN suddenly Elijah Wood was there and we knew each other and it was understood somehow that we’d made out previously? Because the boy’s father arrived and Caitlynne sat him down to talk to him about the boy’s progress and Elijah was like ‘I know what I wanna do!’ and he GRABBED ME AND THREW ME DOWN ON THIS UPHOLSTERED BENCH (but in a hot way, not an aggressive way?), and I was wearing some sort of strange business pants that zipped up the back and he couldn’t get them off and so instead he sort of dry humped me and I was thinking in my head, ‘Does he know what is happening or does he think he is actually doing it?’ Then he came on my pants and then I realized that Caitlynne and the dad were watching and it was weird so I zipped them back up and then we left and went with Caitlynne to this really seedy motel to hide, except that she really wanted a fountain soda and so we went to get one from the lobby but then the cops were there looking for us.
And then I woke up.”