I am constantly trying to change myself, to be better. Right? Aren’t we all? I’m a firm believer in seeing something you don’t like and taking care of it. Once I routinely woke up at noon or 1 p.m. (or even 3 p.m., depending), and now the latest I sleep is 11 a.m., and that is rare.
And then there are thing things that are so deeply ingrained in you that wanting to change them is like wishing for a different height. You can stretch all you want, but nothing will change. For me, this is my incessant chatter.
I am a talker. A blabber of blab ad infinitum. I will tell stories, crack jokes, and talk endlessly about anything. And god forbid if you’re within earshot after I’ve had a few drinks; I will literally never shut up. And maybe people like this about me and find it charming. But I have always considered it to be…undignified. Is this a weird gender roles thing that I’m not even aware of? Because honestly, I find my talkiness to be unmanly. I have never before pondered whether any of my behavior could be construed as unmanly, and yet I feel silly when I think back on encounters during which I haven’t shut up.
And I just can’t stop myself. I really can’t. And being stubborn and mulish, I can’t even stop trying to stop myself and just accept it. Maybe if I constrain myself to talking only via this outlet….