Revisiting Steve Lyon in Campus Man

The year is 1987, see? The poor man’s James Spader is going to be kicked out of his Arizona state college unless he can come up with $10,000 in 30 days. How can he do that, you wonder? Why, by exploiting the good looks and killer body of his diver best friend, Brett.

Just two college roommates, hanging out!

Just two college roommates, hanging out!

This explains why Brett is not the star of the movie, despite looking like this:

Steve Lyon shirtless speedo

Which does not explain why the real lead looks like this:

Campus Man

The poor man’s James Spader (or PMJS, as he will now be known) has the brilliant notion of creating a beefcake calendar of the campus’s hottie athletes. To do this, though, he needs $12,000…but according to his calculations, he stands to make $40k! Of course, no bank cares to give him a loan, so he finds Cactus Jack. Cactus Jake meets PMJS in a desert cemetery, and looks like this:

photo-10

(He also charges 30% interest.)

But PMJS is bound and determined to take sexy photos of his best friend, who requires a little convincing in the locker room.

photo-2

But he finally agrees, and thus follows a male model montage! The final result sells like hot cakes, and makes Hot Brett an even bigger hit among the ladies, like these two in a bar bathroom.

photo-6

The one on the right is named Muffy.

In fact, this Arizona college calendar catches the attention of Miss Morgan Fairchild, a high-powered editrix in New York City. (How is never explained, and frankly, it’s rude that you even asked.) She’s on the hunt for Image Magazine’s Man of the ’80s, even though the Man won’t ascend his throne until 1988, at which point, who cares? But she thinks Hot Brett would be perfect.

photo-4

And since after paying his tuition PMJS doesn’t have enough money left to pay Cactus Jack, he has to agree with her. Visions of a hefty commission dance before his eyes, but Hot Brett requires more half-naked convincing.

photo-5

FINE. He’ll do it! But after signing the contract, a nosy official hears about the deal, and Hot Brett loses his amateur diver status and gets kicked off the team! This makes him very angry and steely jawed.

photo-2

But this is how much Morgan Fairchild cares. photo-1“What kind of life will a diver have anyway?” she asks. Not the same kind of longevity a model can look forward to, surely!

To recap: PMJS can’t pay Cactus Jack; he’s lost his best friend; Hot Brett will have to be a male model; and Morgan Fairchild likes a smoky blue eye. What’s a PMJS to do? Talk to Cactus Jack again and use money from somewhere to buy a bunch of IBM computers and start…a grade altering service!

photo

When Morgan Fairchild stops by for Hot Brett, she is appalled at the illegal activity she sees. So is Hot Brett when he shows up…and the cops, who bust them all! Alone in her limo, Morgan Fairchild unhappily rips up Hot Brett’s contract. No way can someone involved in grade alterations be Image’s Man of the ’80s! Greed has nothing to do with that decade!

At the big unveiling of Image’s Man of the ’80s, Morgan Fairchild is shocked to see PMJS at the podium. It was all a ruse! A very elaborate, expensive ruse! And Image’s Man of the ’80s is now…a cleaned up Cactus Jack!

photo-9

Cactus Jack eventually deep kisses Morgan Fairchild, whose boss is thrilled at her find. And Hot Brett is back on the team! As for PMJS and Hot Brett… I guess you could say they lived happily ever after. Did you expect anything less?

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