Rules for Being a Person Rather Than People

We’ve joked a lot over the years about our rules for life. “Rule #1 is: Do not engage. Rule #2 is: Your bag always has to match your shoes,” we say. But we really do have rules for life. And we’d like to share them with you today. (For what it’s worth, your bag really should always match your shoes.)

Rule #1: (Born from years of writing nasty reviews) Do not engage.

Rule #2: Be careful what you’re proud of, because the world has every intention of using it against you.

Rule #3: If what you’re about to say will make you feel better, don’t say it.

Rule #4: When you’re having the most fun, that’s when it’s time to go home.

Rule #5: No matter how smashed you are when you get home, always take a shower and wash your face. (Courtesy of Lana Turner.)

Rule #6: Always leave your apartment looking the way you’d like your next of kin to find it.

Rule #7: If you find yourself procrastinating doing something like washing the dishes, ask yourself what you’d do instead. Probably nothing. So just do it.

Rule #8: Never pass up money.

Rule #9: If someone says, “That’s funny,” rather than laughing, don’t waste your time.

Rule #10: Only buy clothes that you can see yourself looking back on in pictures a decade from now and not feeling a twinge of embarrassment.

Rule #11: Every useless bit of trivia will, at one point, prove to be useful.

Rule #12: If you’re strapped for cash, take your cans and bottles to a recycling center. You can probably make enough to pay for a load of laundry. Wear a nice cardigan or blazer so that it seems like an affectation rather than a necessity.

Rule #13: Always carry tissues and mints. Always.

Rule #14: Someone is always paying attention. Don’t think that they’re not.

Rule #15: Don’t get too comfortable.

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