“A Golddigger with a Crazy Figure”

As a little boy, when I wasn’t pretending to be a miniskirted, unsentimental whore, I could be found on the playground, singing Ann-Margret’s “My Rival” from Viva Las Vegas. Not only did I know all the lyrics (though “Charley’s Aunt” meant nothing to me), but I would utilize the staircase to the slide for interesting levels and then descend the stairs kicking and belting.

I didn’t have a lot of guy friends.

Now, for your viewing pleasure, watch the real deal and picture an 8-year-old in elastic waistband shorts and socks pulled up to his knees acting the shit out of this song! (My favorite sandwich remains toasted ketchup and mustard!)

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